If you’re wondering why Jay Z cheated on Beyonce with Rihanna inspiring her “if I was a boy” song, here’s your answer…She’s got a pretty shitty body. Now, for those of you who like thick women, don’t get mad at me, because even she knows that Popeye Chicken lifetime supply sponsorship from 5 years ago was a bad idea, otherwise she wouldn’t be swimming in her fucking dress and prancing around with something covering her dumpy ass, like the fat teenage girls in my high school did when we had an activity day at the water park and they insisted on wearing their T-Shirts. Their reasoning was to protect their fragile pasty white skin from the sun it never saw because they were too busy spending the summer inside eating, but we all knew they were just trying to avoid the shame from our pointing, laughing and disgust.

Sure, the only rippling my body has going for it is when I jump and shit jiggles, but I’m not the one getting paparazzi pictures taken of me, so maybe this bitch should try out an eating disorder in 2009, despite the low blood sugar fits of rage, the possible heart failure and the weakness and discomfort, it could be good for her marriage and more importantly, in her quest to take on Rihanna in the fight for her husband’s penis and the public’s acceptance.

Bonus – here she is getting a tan, even though I already thought she had one of those….

Posted in:Beyonce|Bikini|Fat Ass